When Self Development Leads to Social Isolation

Self development can lead to social isolation. 

There are two big ways this happens. 

First: insecurity. 

When we take steps to improve our lives, the people around us can feel insecure about their lives. They might isolate themselves, they might lash out, or they might stop asking you to hang out. Author Jen Sincero has a great description of this. She says, “In order to shift who you’re being and own the new you, you basically have to kill off your old identity. And people get unpleasant when you kill people they love. This is why, should you decide to take your job more seriously and start dressing more professionally, Joe at the deli, whom you hardly know, will give you a high five and a Lookin’ good! when he sees you on your lunch break, and the people who allegedly love you—your spouse/parents/besty—might say things like ‘Look at you, Mr. fancy pants, you too good for us now?’”

If you embark on a self-development journey, you need to fight these forces of insecurity. Take the time to let your friends know you care for them. Invite along with you, but don’t treat them any differently if they don’t immediately adopt your schedule. Be willing to make jokes at your own expense—you’re the one who changed, after all. 

The second way self development leads to social isolation is when we cut friends out. 

Self development gurus say things like “It’s okay to cut people out of your life if they don’t fit your vision” and “You always need to prioritize yourself first.” This is terrible advice. You don’t need a friend until you need one, and if you self-righteously cut out all your friends who still party or don’t run marathons with you, you’ll be left alone when you need them most. Certainly, boundaries are important, and many friends are only there for a season. But this all-or-nothing approach is a foolish short-term strategy that only leaves you lonely. 

Every single lifelong relationship takes forgiveness to survive. We will all hurt each other if we spend enough time together. But keeping friends it worth it. As Ben Rector sings, “You can’t make old friends.” 

Ultimately, it isn’t a perfect body or a four-hour work week or artistic genius that bring us fulfillment. It’s quality time and peaceful moments spent with those we love. It’s generosity and gratitude that really bring us meaning. 

Let’s keep it up. Stay the course. Optimize our lives. 

But we can’t optimize ourselves out of the relationships we so desperately need.