Forgiveness as a strategy

Me, circa 2009

When I was in high school, I was a dreamer. 

I wanted to be a rockstar, I wanted to be a singer, I wanted to be famous. 

I also wore my heart on my sleeve. I told a lot of people about my ambitions. Maybe too many people. You see, along the way, I encountered some folks who took it upon themselves to “give me a dose of reality.” To tell me “what the real world was really like.” 

And even though 99% of the people I talked to about my dreams were excited and supportive, all I could think about were the two people who weren’t supportive. 

“That’s a tough way to make a living.” 

“Sounds like a one in a million chance.” 

“What are you going to do to make money?”

These words bounced around in my mind much longer than any bit of excitement or encouragement did, even though those were more common. 

Little by little, something even worse started to happen. 

I started to get self-conscious. I started projecting the negativity from my two bullies onto everybody else. My mind conjured up an invisible audience that wouldn’t let me rest. I had to appease them, making sure every little thing I did was “cool enough”, “good enough”, and “on-brand.” 

It wasn’t until much later that I realized…I just needed to forgive my bullies.

The funny thing is, they had a lot in common. They were both mothers of friends of mine. They were both stern people from well-respected families. Funnily enough, they were both quite artistic. 

When I finally decided to forgive them, a rush of empathy came over me. These people probably saw their dreams fall to the side of the road, as they did what was necessary to make ends meet for their families. They projected their broken dreams onto me—and in turn, I projected their negativity onto everyone else. 

I talk to a lot of creatives and freelancers who feel held back by this invisible audience. They’re paralyzed by perfectionism. They think everyone is just waiting for them to make a mistake. 

It’s not an invisible audience. No one is really rooting for your downfall. 

It’s just one person who said something mean one time. 

You need to forgive them.