Ghosting yourself

Think of the last time you ghosted someone. Maybe you weren’t trying to ghost them—maybe you just got busy, or distracted, or didn’t know exactly what to say. Nonetheless, you left their message unanswered. Think of a moment like this. What’s happening emotionally? 

If you’re like me, you avoid even thinking about it because you feel bad. Forgetfulness leads to anxiety when I finally remember, which has me reaching for distraction to curtail the anxiety. Negative self-talk fills in the cracks. I’m such a jerk. I should be a better friend. This is why my career isn’t progressing—I’m so disorganized. 

This progression of thought often leads us to ghost even more. We associate negative feelings with the thought of the person we ghosted. We’re afraid to run into them in public, because we won’t know what to say. It’ll be awkward if they bring it up, and it’ll be even more awkward if they don’t. 

This same complex is at play with our goals. When we see a goal fall out of consistency, we ghost the idea of it. We avoid questions about it and we avoid thinking about it because we feel guilty when we finally remember. This is why so many people are staunch critics of New Year’s resolutions. Their entire emotional association with goal-setting is drenched in negative thinking, guilt, and anxiety. 

Dr. B.J Fogg has an interesting solution to this, which he outlines in his book Tiny Habits. “If I do a habit and it’s painful or awkward or unpleasant in any way, then my brain is going to rewire and lead me to avoid the habit,” Fogg writes. “Negative emotions seem to shrivel the roots of automacy.” He goes on to explain how if we choose to celebrate a small accomplishment, we begin to associate positive emotions with it. “When you celebrate remembering to do a tiny habit, you ‘wire in’ that moment of remembering. And that’s important. If you don’t remember to do a habit, you won’t do it.”

It sounds strange, but Dr. Fogg is suggesting we celebrate small steps toward our goals. “Remember, our brains want to feel good. Celebrating small wins gives them something to repattern our life around.” 

Don’t shame yourself for missing a few days. Don’t make it a big deal, and don’t spiral into negative self-talk. Instead, offer instant forgiveness, another invitation to make progress, and a small celebration for the small victories along the way. Be the kind of friend to yourself that you always wish you had.