How To Meet New People - Break the Pattern

A great way to connect with new people is to break the normal pattern of the interaction. Our culture creates patterns. Say hello, shake someone’s hand, say it’s nice to meet them. If we can break these patterns, we have a much better shot at really connecting with people.

I have a friend from high school named Conor, and I used to go over to his house about once a week. Every time I went over, Conor’s parents were sitting in the living room, reading and listening to piano jazz. They never got out of their chairs to say hello. They just sat there, put their books on their laps, and chatted with me. We never had a conversation shorter than 20 minutes, and often talked for almost an hour.

Compare this to other interactions I had. My other friend’s parents did the normal, “polite” thing. They walked up to me, shook my hand, asked how school was going. Those conversations always ended pretty quickly.

Conor’s parents broke the pattern, and created an interesting and inviting place. There wasn’t any obligation for our conversations to go well, or for me to make a good impression. By skipping the formalities, we skipped the awkward part of our relationship. 

I love parties in LA, but I get so tired of people asking, “What do you do?” as their first question. It feels transactional. Of course a big incentive for parties is networking, but I don’t like it to be so forward. I’d rather connect with someone first, then start talking business. 

I try to break the pattern at parties by asking questions that allow us to connect in the moment as people, regardless of status. A few of my tried-and-trues are, “What did you do today?”, “Where are you from?”, and “How do you know the host?” When I ask these questions, I see the glaze lift from people’s eyes. They actually have to think, instead of following a pattern.

After one of these starter questions, I try to ask their opinion on whatever they told me. If they talk about where they’re from, I ask if they like it there. If they talk about the host, I ask what they think of her. Soon after these initial questions, were off to the races with a real conversation that could last 10-20 minutes. 

Breaking the pattern creates stronger connection, and even if your goal is networking, being relational is a better way to do it anyway. 

Good luck out there! 

One last note on Conor’s parent’s approach: I bet the piano jazz helped a bit too.